“If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, taken one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.”
I really like up-front people…the ones who will be straight up with me about their feelings, opinions, and progress in life. Conversely, I have my defenses up when I'm with those who withhold information that bears on our relationship or things we may do together. But I’m really careful around gossips. I have been in the awkward position of being talked about rather than being talked to. It hurts.
Gossip can badly damage a church. Relationships are the most important thing in life, and gossip about another person can only hurt a whole net of relationships. I’ve seen it happen.
In my last church a couple of good intent and good works heard by way of the gossip pipeline that the husband had been having an affair as well as hanging out in a casino and gambling away the family income. Deeply hurt, the wife confronted her husband. He protested his innocence and came to the elders of the church for their help. The elders did the right thing. They traced the rumor to its source, a man who had something against the man in question. Having found the source they invited that man to a meeting, and invited the couple to be there as well. The gossiping man did not know the purpose of the meeting. When he arrived and saw the couple there, he turned an entertaining shade of red. The elders laid out their evidence and asked him to make it right. He confessed and apologized, and he and the husband talked the original dispute through to a resolution, with forgiveness spoken all around.
But that wasn’t the end. The gossip was continued by others. People who didn’t know what they were talking about took sides. It was out of control. Both couples left the church with hurt feelings. So much hurt and anger could have been avoided if the original accuser had simply gone to the other man in an attempt to work it out without resorting to gossip. You can believe that this pastor preached clearly and forcefully about the sins of gossip and slander following that incident, but it was too late.
Gossip is so tempting. It’s almost delicious to talk about others in that conspiratorial way, sharing opinion, not worrying about damage done…after all; our intentions are always good, right? In my years as a pastor I have been caught off guard by accusations, charges, and the disappointment of others who were convinced of my transgressions, real or imagined. Almost all the negative press was based on falsehood, but damage was always done, and trust was violated. Gossip is nothing but character assassination.
Do not let the sun set on your anger. Realize that God forgives you as you forgive others. As much as possible, live at peace with your brother and sister. ALWAYS be straight up when your feelings threaten to get the best of you. Refuse to listen to—or to pass on rumor about another person. It’s totally cool, when someone is sharing rumor with you, to say, “I choose not to gossip about others. Please don’t talk about others to me when they can’t be here to speak for themselves.” Be a gossip stopper.
Prayer: “Great Understanding Father, please take control of my tongue so that I am both wise and harmless. Help me to be the advocate for those who are unfairly spoken of. Control my emotions and impulsiveness so that others are safe in my mouth. You know the full truth about me, yet you love me. Help me to lose all trace of a judgmental spirit toward others. Pour into my life the compassion of Jesus and the determination to do the best I can for others. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”